RE: The Zombie Sitcom Party
by Bankotsubo
Summary: Wesker invites everyone over for a party at the mansion, but the residents are less than pleased...


DISCLAIMER: The great Capcom own Resident Evil. The only thing I own is a copy of the game.  
  
  
Resident Evil: The Zombie Sitcom Party  
  
INT. MANSION - EVENING  
  
CHRIS, JILL, BARRY AND REBECCA all walk into the hall. They are all carrying different types of alcoholic drinks with them.  
  
CHRIS  
"Barry? Where's Barry?!"  
  
BARRY  
"I'm right here, Chris."  
  
CHRIS  
"Oh, yeah. Hey, you remember the beer?"  
  
BARRY  
"Yeah, I've got our favourite beer here."  
  
CHRIS  
"Wesker? Where's Wesker?!"  
  
WESKER walks down the stairs.  
  
WESKER  
"Did I hear someone mention my name?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Wesker! We're here for the party!"  
  
WESKER  
"Party...?"  
  
JILL  
"Yeah, you invited us, remember?"  
  
WESKER  
"...Oh, yes! The party. Um, could you excuse me for a moment?"  
  
Wesker walks into the dinning room, leaving the others in the main hall.  
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING  
  
There are all sorts of Resident Evil monsters sitting at the table, including a ZOMBIE, HUNTER, AND LICKER.  
  
WESKER  
"Alright, people! We're going to have to break things up for tonight. My guests have arrived. Go hide in the closet, my mutant friends."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"What are you talkin' about, Albert?"  
  
HUNTER  
"Yeah, we ain't goin' nowhere, alright!"  
  
LICKER  
"You lick said that we could stay up all night playin' lick poker!"  
  
WESKER  
"There has been a change of plan, Licker. I'm sorry, we'll have to do it tomorrow night instead. Now get your asses to bed."  
  
The monsters leave the table and go out through another door in the dinning room. Wesker goes back out to the main hall.  
  
INT. MAIN HALL - EVENING  
  
Chris and the others are talking to each other.  
  
CHRIS  
"So Barry, do you feel lucky tonight?"  
  
BARRY  
"Chris! I am married, you know!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Oh yeah, but I'm not. So I think I'll play the field a bit."  
  
BARRY  
"Didn't your sister want to come?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Nah, she's out having sex with that Leon guy. I don't know what she see's in him."  
  
BARRY  
"Me neither. If I weren't married, then I'd screw your sister. She's hot!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Shut up, you bastard! My sister has some standards at least!"  
  
BARRY  
"Am I not good enough for your baby sister, huh?"  
  
CHRIS  
"No!"  
  
BARRY  
"She has got a great pair of legs and a nice set of melons. I'd like to fuck her like a dog."  
  
CHRIS  
(Pissed off)  
"Go to hell!"  
  
JILL  
(To Rebecca)  
"Those boys. Always fighting!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Chris is cute when he gets mad, don't you agree?"  
  
JILL  
(Quietly)  
"Don't think about cracking on to him, bitch! Cause he's mine!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Did you say something, Jill?"  
  
JILL  
"No, nothing at all."  
  
The dinning room doors open and Wesker walks into the hall.  
  
WESKER  
"Okay, everyone. Are you ready to have some fun? Come on into the dinning room, when you're ready."  
  
They all walk into the dinning room together.  
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING  
  
Everyone has cracked open a beer, and they are all drinking. Chris, Barry and Rebecca are talking near the grandfather clock, while Jill and Wesker are over by the fireplace.  
  
JILL  
"You certainly have a nice place here, Captain Wesker."  
  
WESKER  
"Thank you, Jill. Listen, uh, this may sound strange but... Can I take off your pants?"  
  
JILL  
"..."  
  
WESKER  
"Oh, God! What have I just said?!"  
  
JILL  
"No, it's fine. Sure, of course you can take off my pants. Go right ahead."  
  
Wesker pulls her pants down and peels away her panties.  
  
JILL  
"Ooooooohhh! Wesker!"  
  
He pushes her against the table, pulls down his own pants and starts pumping her full of hot sperm.  
  
JILL  
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes!"  
  
WESKER  
"Yeah, yeah! Oh, fuck yeah!"  
  
Chris, Barry and Rebecca all look in their direction. They see a half naked Jill being humped by Captain Wesker.  
  
CHRIS  
"Aw, goddammit! He's fuckin' me bird!"  
  
BARRY  
"Gruesome!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Ew, I certainly didn't want to see this!"  
  
BARRY  
"Cover your eyes!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Jill, how could you?!"  
  
JILL (O.S)  
"Oh, oh, oh, yes! Oh, you're the best, Captain Wesker! Oh, God!"  
  
WESKER (O.S)  
"Heh-heh! Baby!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Jesus Christ!"  
  
INT. STOREROOM - EVENING  
  
The zombie, the hunter and the licker are all hanging out in the old storeroom, where the medicine bottles are kept.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Damn, it's so borin' in here!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Tell me about it! This places bites!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"I wonder why Wesker didn't want us at the party..."  
  
HUNTER  
"He probably thinks that we'd ruin it for him."  
  
LICKER  
"I just don't lick get that guy."  
  
HUNTER  
"Hey, I just got an, uh, idea! Why don't we go crash in at his party?"  
  
LICKER  
"You mean we should lick disobey the captain's orders? B-But won't we lick get into some sort of lick trouble?"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Yeah, I like my ass the way it is! I don't want it full o' bullet holes, thankyouverymuch!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Look, what can he do? He's only human! If he tries anythin' then I'll just rip his ugly head off!"  
  
LICKER  
"Well, if you're lick sure we won't be punished..."  
  
HUNTER  
"Eh, trust me guy! Let's go!"  
  
They all leave the storeroom.  
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING  
  
Chris is standing all alone in the corner of the room. Jill walks over to him.  
  
JILL  
"Hello Chris. You having fun?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Are you trying to be funny, Jill?!"  
  
JILL  
"No, I-"  
  
CHRIS  
(Interrupting)  
"What's the big idea with you and Wesker?"  
  
JILL  
"Nothing."  
  
CHRIS  
"Then how come you let him fuck your brains out?"  
  
JILL  
"Oh, that... It was nothing. I was just fooling around with him. It's you I love."  
  
CHRIS  
"Then if that's true, don't ever go off screwing with other men ever again. I was jealous."  
  
JILL  
"You were jealous? Aw, how cute!"  
  
She kisses him.  
  
JILL  
"Wanna slip off for a while?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Oooh, okay!"  
  
They leave the room. Meanwhile, Barry, Rebecca and Wesker are standing by the fireplace.  
  
BARRY  
"Man, Jill looked hot tonight, huh?"  
  
WESKER  
"Yeah, she sure did! It was so sweet having sex with her. I think Chris was a little jealous though. His girlfriend is such a whore."  
  
BARRY  
"Hey, you don't talk that way about Jill, alright?! She's a good woman!"  
  
WESKER  
"Good woman? Oh, you been fucking her too, huh?"  
  
BARRY  
"Why you little jumped-up jackass!"  
  
REBECCA  
"No, don't fight!"  
  
Suddenly, the door opens and the three monsters enter the room.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Argh! Beer! I must have beer!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Argh! Zombie! Kill it, kill it!"  
  
BARRY  
(Getting his gun out)  
"Damn, die evil bastard!"  
  
WESKER  
"No!"  
  
Wesker runs in front of the zombie.  
  
WESKER  
"Don't shoot!"  
  
BARRY  
"Wesker, I know you're insane, but this is ridiculous! Get outta the damn way!"  
  
WESKER  
"You can't kill my prized creations!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Prized creations?! I thought we were more than that to you, Captain!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Yeah, last night you said we were your best buddies!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Oh, oh no! They talk!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Of course we talk! We did go to Raccoon City College last year, y'know?!"  
  
BARRY  
"Wesker, what is the meaning of this?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Sigh, Barry, Rebecca, I'd like you to meet... Zombie, Hunter and... Licker."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Hi!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Wotcha!"  
  
LICKER  
"Yo!"  
  
BARRY  
"Holy crap! You are one sad man, Wesker! You can't get your own friends so you make them!"  
  
REBECCA  
"I think I'll just go and find Chris and Jill..."  
  
She walks out of the room.  
  
WESKER  
"Look, I know this may seem weird, but trust me on this one, Barry. These monsters aren't like the other one's; they're friendly."  
  
BARRY  
"You've finally flipped, huh?"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Nice to meet ya, Beardy! So, Wesker, can we join the party?"  
  
WESKER  
"Barry, could you excuse us?"  
  
Barry walks off.  
  
WESKER  
(To Zombie)  
"What the hell are you three trying to do?! Make me look like an idiot?!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Chill out, Captain!"  
  
LICKER  
"Yeah, why are you bein' like this?"  
  
WESKER  
"Why?! Why?! Cause I don't want S.T.A.R.S to think I'm some sorta weirdo who can't get any friends of his own!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Well, you can't."  
  
WESKER  
"I know that! Argh, you're pissing me off now. Go to your room, all of you!"  
  
HUNTER  
"But...!"  
  
WESKER  
(Getting his gun out)  
"Now!"  
  
The three monsters quickly run out through the door.  
  
INT. CORRIDOR - EVENING  
  
The monsters are walking back to their room.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"What happened to just rippin' his ugly head off?!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Shut your pie-hole, Zombie!"  
  
LICKER  
"Now what?"  
  
HUNTER  
"Well, I'm not goin' back to bed!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Hey, why don't we go find those other people the captain mentioned?"  
  
HUNTER  
"Good idea! We can have some fun with them!"  
  
LICKER  
"Let's try the lick attic! Most of the captain's friends can be lick found hidin' up there whenever they lick come over!"  
  
HUNTER  
"To the attic!"  
  
INT. ATTIC - EVENING  
  
Chris and Jill can be heard from behind a pile of old boxes.  
  
JILL (O.S)  
"Oh, Chris! Fuck me, harder! Harder, oh, yes!"  
  
CHRIS (O.S)  
"Damn, you're tight, Jill! But you're an excellent fuck!"  
  
JILL (O.S)  
"Shut up, and screw me!"  
  
Suddenly, the attic door opens and Zombie, Hunter and Licker walk in with a MUTANT DOG.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Well, this is the attic. But I don't see no-one."  
  
HUNTER  
"But I was sure they'd be here!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
(Looking down at the mutant dog)  
"Yep, so was Fido here."  
  
DOG  
"sniff sniff Grrr! sniff"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"What is it, Fido?"  
  
DOG  
"bark bark"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"There's someone here?"  
  
DOG  
"ruff ruff"  
  
ZOMBIE  
(To Hunter)  
"Fido says there's someone in here."  
  
HUNTER  
"Go get 'em, Fido!"  
  
The dog runs off behind the old boxes where Chris and Jill are "hiding". They scream.  
  
CHRIS (O.S)  
"Argh! Get outta here, mutt!"  
  
JILL (O.S)  
"Don't let him touch me!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Bingo!"  
  
The three monsters run over to where Chris, Jill and the dog are.  
  
JILL  
"Argh! Monsters! And they've seen me naked!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Stop looking at her knockers!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"But they're so tasty! They're far better than any knockers I've ever seen before! I must taste them and find out if they're as good as they look!"  
  
He jumps towards Jill. Chris punches Zombie to the floor.  
  
HUNTER  
"Damn, that's quite a punch ya got there, partner."  
  
CHRIS  
"Jesus Christ! This is way too weird for me!"  
  
JILL  
"P-Please don't eat us!"  
  
LICKER  
"Eat?! We'd never lick eat you!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Certainly not! We're strictly vegetarian!"  
  
Just then, Wesker enters the room.  
  
WESKER  
"So, this is where you all are. Hmmm, those are some nice titties you got there, Jill."  
  
JILL  
(Covers her chest)  
"Pervert!"  
  
WESKER  
"You know I'm just joking with you! Now, how about a nice... Oh my God!"  
  
CHRIS  
"What?! What's the matter?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Everybody out of the attic!"  
  
JILL  
"Why?"  
  
WESKER  
"Because..."  
  
Suddenly, a GIANT SNAKE slides out of the chimney. They all scream in horror.  
  
WESKER  
"...Giant Snake loves human flesh!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Eh... What about genetically altered human flesh?"  
  
WESKER  
"That too!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Uh-huh... And monster flesh?"  
  
WESKER  
"Especially monster flesh!"  
  
LICKER  
(Noticing the mutant dog)  
"What about Fido here? He's safe, right?"  
  
The Giant Snake wraps itself around the small group of people/monsters and opens its wide mouth.  
  
WESKER  
"Shit!"  
  
JILL  
"It's body feels great against my skin. It's almost sexual. Come here, Chris."  
  
CHRIS  
"Not now, Jill. Not now."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END...? (You decide)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
